I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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