i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
