Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
