I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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