Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
