Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
