In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The air taste purple.
Randomize