Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sorry about my life...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
