When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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