just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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