you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
