Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
