how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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