I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
