he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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