I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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