She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
sex in a hospital.. check
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
