a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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