Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
