Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
