Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize