No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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