He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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