just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Fuck appropriateness.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize