I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
