dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
