Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
