Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
