I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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