There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
