I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
