Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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