Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
