My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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