He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
