plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
