Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
