Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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