Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
