Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
