True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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