how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We are all done wearing pants today
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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