I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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