She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
