My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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