I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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