I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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