i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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