Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm getting married
To pizza
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
