I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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