I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You smell like stripper and shame
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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