dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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