I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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