If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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