The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize