Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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