After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
