I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
