apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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