"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
