i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
