I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
