maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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