the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
