Taylor Swift is so right about you.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
